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Hard times and hard days

Anger. Sadness. Frustration. War. Shootings. Reproductive rights.

It’s truly horrible and overwhelming. I wrote a blog about my wedding anniversary and then couldn’t find the heart to post it. It seemed too trivial compared to everything going on the in world, and while there is so much we all can do to help stop the chaos, there is also so little that rests entirely in our hands. However, our lives still move forward with our own day-to-day obstacles, challenges, and hopefully, joy. The issues we face are real and the emotions these issues can generate can be intense. It is with this knowledge that I post today’s blog, and will continue to post in the hopes that those reading can gain insight.

I am feeling good. Happy. Seems like everything is falling into place. Work is busy but manageable and is serving as a good distraction. I am so proud of my daughter who just graduated from college with highest honors, and we are taking every opportunity to celebrate – to make up for the times when the world closed down and we could not celebrate. While it was too much for my parents to attend the graduation ceremony, they watch on zoom and take the train to visit with us and join the celebrations. It’s been wonderful having all the kids around and watching them spend quality time with their grandparents. We eat, and eat, and eat. I’m excited about upcoming things that are planned – vacations, concerts, more time with family. My heart soars, but…

There is a sadness that is engulfing me hour by hour as the day goes on. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary and the one I want to celebrate with is gone. My life without him seems meaningless. I wonder if I can truly be happy without him. And now I’m feeling overwhelmed at work. I was hoping to take a bit of time off to spend with my parents but that’s becoming an impossibility. I don’t even have time to go to lunch with them, and dinners have been late and quick between meetings. My daughter’s graduation high comes crashing down when she learns the program she was planning to attend this summer was abruptly cancelled. Oh, and the air conditioning stopped working. Yes, it’s Florida and the indoor thermostat is reading 84 degrees and climbing. I put in a service call but it’s unknown when a repair person will come, certainly not tonight. I want to rage and scream and cry but with the house full, there is nowhere to go to release the emotion.

This is reality. Grief is not linear and shit happens. I know to some these circumstances will seem like a lot to handle and to others it will seem like a light burden. But the feelings are real, and we are all allowed to feel sad and overwhelmed from time to time. I have made it through days like this before and I know I will make it through this one too. This awareness is the critical first step in being resilient. I reject victimhood, and understand all circumstances are temporary. I focus my attention on the things I have the power to change, and accept that tomorrow will likely be a difficult day. I resolve to feel both the lonely and sad feelings and enjoy the moments planned with family and friends. Having this awareness, knowing I am resilient, is already helping.

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Thank you for sharing it all and giving us permission to feel.

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